Ultimate Dolph

by **Max Potential** on 15 Sep 2005, 00:07

It's a little choppy here and there. I think it will be better as a performance piece with beatnik drums and thumbs snapping.

Here I am
Sitting on the carpet
(Which isn’t that odd)
Watching Hard Target
Starring Jean-Claude
Van Damme

What a weird thing to do
To play not one but two
Not in one but in three
And all of them I paid too much to see

Timecop was a hit,
Knock Off is shit.
Even though Rob Schneider was funny
To watch take hits
It was not as money
As when Mia Sara showed her tits

Street Fighter caused your Sudden Death
But that didn't stop you from writing The Quest
Then there was Double Team
A shortsighted dream
I still will always be found cryin'
At the very end of Loin…
Heart
I thought you were smart
You can’t even call these new films art

Universal Soldier: The Return
Is worse than diarrhea burn
Put out a Death Warrant
Your latest movies are total torment
Admit defeat
Just look at Dessert Heat
You lost your debonair
When you made Legionnaire

I feel so alone
Why did you let them kill off Kurt Sloane?

Never mind this retort
I'm just a dork
Who wants to see more movies like Bloodsport

by **Angelique** on 28 Jun 2006, 21:33

well the post is quite old, but i was checking it and i found it kinda funny

compliments :mrgreen:

you have great fantasy!! be proud

by **Terminator** on 03 Jul 2006, 20:21

I think I ought to watch those Van Damme movies again... ^^
I hope this won't make me leaving Dolph for him. lol

by **The_Canadian** on 04 Jul 2006, 11:12

The problem with Van Damme is that he is a much worse actor, but his good movie-to-bad movie ration is MUCH higher than Dolph's!

by **Angelique** on 04 Jul 2006, 18:23

what do you exactly mean with: but his good movie-to-bad movie ration is MUCH higher than Dolph's!

i dont understand... sorry but im dutch

by **The_Canadian** on 06 Jul 2006, 02:37

What I mean is that while I hate Van Damme with a fiery passion, his agent has managed to pick a much better selection of movies than Dolph's. Many of Dolph's suck (Agent Red, The Minion, etc) despite how much I deny it. Van Damme's only really suck because of Van Damme himself.

by **Jox** on 06 Jul 2006, 05:25

Actually the irony is that Van Damme and Dolph shared the same agent (not to confuse with manager) for some time and if my information is correct they still do.

by **Angelique** on 06 Jul 2006, 17:34

The_Canadian wrote:What I mean is that while I hate Van Damme with a fiery passion, his agent has managed to pick a much better selection of movies than Dolph's. Many of Dolph's suck (Agent Red, The Minion, etc) despite how much I deny it. Van Damme's only really suck because of Van Damme himself.

Ahh i see... I never have watched Agent red or the minion, so youre not recommend those movies??

by **Jox** on 06 Jul 2006, 20:05

"Agent Red" and "The Minion" are by far some of the worst movies Dolph has made, if you're a hard-core Dolph fan you have to watch them by duty but they're plain bad...

by **Mosquito** on 07 Jul 2006, 23:29

I agree. The only Dolph movie that's worse is The Last Warrior. Oh and maybe Pentathlon. (I haven't watched Detention though... sits in my shelf for several months now but the reviews are so terrible.)

by **TombRaider** on 08 Jul 2006, 14:13

I like penthatlon, but didn't like detention, jill rips and hidden agenda.

by **Angelique** on 08 Jul 2006, 22:19

i think pentathlon is really a great movie!! i like it, and also detention... it's not the best but i think it was nice to see dolph as a teacher...
the last patrol i have here on dvd but i think its not a great movie... hidden agenda was a difficullt movie...

i'm a hardcore dolph fan so i'm gonna watch them... but maybe i wouldn't buy them

by **Mosquito** on 08 Jul 2006, 23:14

I thought Hidden Agenda wasn't great but not bad either.

by **carrie** on 09 Jul 2006, 00:23

i dont want to be difficult but i enjoyed the minion, sure it has a few naff moments but if i had to choose from watching either minion or pentathlon i would gladly choose the minion- different strokes for different folks i guess.

by **The_Canadian** on 10 Jul 2006, 11:50

I also liked SOME things about the Minion: The entire movie up until he drops that kick-ass spiked gauntlet of his (not even twenty minutes in) and the chase/battle through the Nuclear power plant.

Besides that, it took all of my Dolph loving skills to finish watching it.

At least it had original footage (unlike Agent Red which is pretty much a montage of poorly edited action scenes and stock footage from Solo, Storm Cathcer and Crash Dive. Seriously, they ripped off a MICHEAL DUDDIKOFF movie? That's just weak.)

Ultimate Dolph

Please read my Van Damme poem

Please read my Van Damme poem

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